:: deja-vix ::

The Last Boy Scout - memorable quotes

Joe Hallenbeck: This is the nineties. You don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first.

Jimmy Dix: I figure you gotta be the dumbest guy in the world, Joe. You're trying the save the life of the man who ruined your career, and avenge the death of the guy that fucked your wife.

Joe Hallenbeck: Leather pants.
Jimmy Dix: Yeah.
Joe Hallenbeck: What's something like that run?
Jimmy Dix: Six-fifty.
Joe Hallenbeck: Six hundred and fifty dollars?
Jimmy Dix: Yeah.
Joe Hallenbeck: They're pants.
Jimmy Dix: Yeah.
Joe Hallenbeck: You wear them?
Jimmy Dix: YES.
Joe Hallenbeck: They don't, like, have a TV in them or something?
Jimmy Dix: Nope.
Joe Hallenbeck: I am very old.

Milo: Can we get a formal introduction?
Joe Hallenbeck: Who gives a fuck? You're the bad guy, right?
Milo: I am the bad guy.
Joe Hallenbeck: And I'm supposed to be trembling in fear or something like that?
Milo: Something like that.
Joe Hallenbeck: I'll tremble later. For now, how about a drink?

[Jimmy is being approached by a bunch of goons]
Jimmy Dix: Right now, I'm trying to figure out which one of you looks like my dick.

Jimmy Dix: Maybe I could take your daughter horseback riding. How old is she?
Joe Hallenbeck: She's 13, and if you even look at her funny I'm gonna shove an umbrella up your ass and open it.

Joe Hallenbeck: I swear to Christ that if I survive this fucking case I'm gonna dance a jig!

Jimmy Dix: You're a real bastard, ya know that, Joe?
Joe Hallenbeck: And then some.

Joe Hallenbeck: You don't think the cops can protect you?
Cory: Yeah, sure. When I'm dead they'll perform the autopsy.

Darian Hallenbeck: What the hell is that number on the back of your head? What is that, like a license plate in case someone tries to steal it?

[After giving Jimmy a briefcase full of money]
Joe Hallenbeck: Go buy yourself a new pair of pants.

Joe Hallenbeck: She's so fat, I had to roll her in flour to look for the wet spot.

[Talking to himself]
Jimmy Dix: Okay, what would Joe do at a time like this? He'd kill everybody and smoke some cigarettes.

[Billy Cole's last line]
Billy Cole: Ain't life a bitch?

[Joe Hallenbeck wakes up in his car and stares at his grubby reflection in the mirror]
Joe Hallenbeck: Nobody likes you. Everybody hates you. You're gonna lose. Smile, you fuck.

Jimmy Dix: Hi, you're nobody!
Joe Hallenbeck: Shhh, don't tell anyone.

Jimmy Dix to Joe Hallenbeck: Man, you couldn't protect a cup of warm piss.

Officer: Good morning gentlemen. Is there a problem?
Milo: Yes, officer. As a matter of fact there is a problem. Apparently there are too many bullets in this gun.

Mike Mathews: She's good, Joe. She rates a three on my finger scale. That means I'd cut off three of my fingers if God would let me fuck her.

[Joe has just found out that Mike was sleeping with his wife]
Mike Mathews: It just happened, Joe.
Joe Hallenbeck: Sure, sure, it just happened. You tripped, fell on the floor and accidently stuck your dick into my wife. "Gee, I'm sorry, Mrs. H, this just isn't my week".

[Joe Hallenbeck is talking to a puppet on his hand]
Joe as puppet: Why did Mr. Milo cross the road?
Joe Hallenbeck: I don't know. Why?
Joe as puppet: Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.

Alley Thug: Wrong place, wrong time. Nothing personal.
Joe Hallenbeck: That's what you think. Last night I fucked your wife.
Alley Thug: Oh you did, hah? How'd you know it was my wife?
Joe Hallenbeck: She said her husband was a big pimp lookin' motherfucker with a hat.
Alley Thug: Oh, you're real cool but you've got to take a bullet.
Joe Hallenbeck: After fucking your wife I'll take two.

Joe Hallenbeck: This ain't no game, "Flash"! Real guns. Real bullets. It's dangerous.
Jimmy Dix: "Dangerous" is my middle name.
Joe Hallenbeck: Mine is "Cornelius", and if you tell anyone, I'll kill you.

Detective: There's a new invention out. It's called the razor.
Joe Hallenbeck: Too risky, I might start thinkin' about you and slash my wrist.

Milo: You think you are so fucking cool, don't you? You think you are so fucking cool. But just once, I would like to hear you scream in pain...
Joe Hallenbeck: Play some rap music.

Joe Hallenbeck: Where are you goin'?
Jimmy Dix: To the bathroom, okay. You wanna come? The doc said I shouldn't lift anything heavy.
Joe Hallenbeck: No, I'll pass.

Jimmy Dix: She get's evidence to use against 'em, right?
Joe Hallenbeck: That's right.
Jimmy Dix: So now we have the evidence.
Joe Hallenbeck: What we got, Junior, is Marcone and Baynard by the nuts and that is why I love America.

Scrabble Man: Drop the gun, Hallenbeck! Bit late for a stroll, don't you think?
Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, you girls oughta be gettin' home.
Jimmy Dix: Yeah, streetlights are on.
Jake: Shut up fuckface.
Joe Hallenbeck: I'm fuckface, he's asshole.
Scrabble Man: Jake, advise Rodney Dangerfield here of the situation. Perhaps we can dispense with the fun and games now, yes?
Joe Hallenbeck: You want the envelope, right?
Scrabble Man: The envelope, very smart. See Jake, here is a man who knows when a situation is untennable.
Joe Hallenbeck: Good word.
Scrabble Man: You like that word? And you do have that envelope, don't you?
Joe Hallenbeck: Better give up, Jimmy. We're dealin' with a couple of geniuses here.
Jimmy Dix: Hey man, just leave him the fuck alone!
Scrabble Man: Leave him alone? We do whatever you say. Jake here takes his job with a certain exuberance.
Jimmy Dix: Shit, we're being beat up by the inventor of scrabble.
Scrabble Man: He's in a good mood, Jake. Kick 'em again.
Joe Hallenbeck: All right. You want the envelope the hooker had, right?
Jimmy Dix: She wasn't a hooker, Joe!
Joe Hallenbeck: Shut the fuck up!

Joe Hallenbeck: Hey flash, rescue attempt?
Jimmy Dix: Blow me!
Milo: You must be James.
Jimmy Dix: James?
Joe Hallenbeck: He does that with everybody. He calls me Joseph.
Milo: I trust you're alone.
Jimmy Dix: No, I got the fuckin' Vienna Boys Choir with me. What, is everybody stupid around here?
Joe Hallenbeck: Just you, kid.

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